Sirens, fog, and muted silence

Here I am again…pondering everything 🙄

Ever had anxiety so damn bad that it cleverly disguised itself as another condition??

No?

Just me?

All I can do is sit here and shake my head. Really.  At the moment, there’s nothing else I can do. 

According  to well educated neuropsychologists, and a (less than familiar) neighborhood psychiatrist, I do NOT have ADHD.  End of story. Period. Tests are everything. (Apparently).

Anyways….

Anxiety. 

Anxiety has manipulated itself into something else entirely. So much so, that I let myself believe (completely), that it wasn’t the only culprit making life difficult for me. I fully and 100% believed that ADHD was a major contributor in the mess that is my brain. But, after much deliberation and “tests”, it was determined that my brain decided to show up for once. Funny that it didn’t perform nearly as well in high school, but I digress….

My point is, that I am utterly confused. I’m frustrated. I’m angry. I have so many questions that need answers. 

If all of “this” is anxiety….then what? What do I do? How do I gain control over the havoc it’s reeked upon my life? My self esteem?

 Anxiety? A  lot of people believe that it’s a side effect from something. An event. A traumatic experience. Something!

For me? That’s not the case.  Not at all. I had a picture perfect child hood. Nothing. Not a thing I can think of would be the catalyst for what would eventually manifest into panic attacks and constant anxiety. From age 13+ my life was riddled with panic. 

So, imagine my surprise and slight relief when I was told I had ADHD. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s never a relief to be told you have something making your life difficult. 

What’s a relief, is understanding WHY. It’s accepting yourself and moving forward. 

Hearing that ADHD was the cause for my anxiety, disorganization, procrastination, etc, was incredibly liberating. It made so much sense. 

But, here I am. Back to the drawing board. Drawing In circles. The anxious marker never pausing to stop, but continuing to follow the same path despite the mind numbing repetition. It’s comfortable. It’s familiar. It’s…..

A virus that won’t ever go away.

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One thought on “Sirens, fog, and muted silence

  1. I obviously can’t speak to your situation specifically, but I’ve recently experienced the “doctors who are so absolutely sure of themselves that they don’t listen” regarding other health issues. If you can afford it, you might want to get a second opinion. Whether you end up having ADHD or not, it sounds like traditional first-line anxiety and depression meds aren’t working for you. If you providers aren’t listening to that and saying “well, it SHOULD work, this test says so” instead of listening to your needs, that doesn’t seem the healthiest. There are also more types of learning disorders that can be comorbid with anxiety than JUST ADHD. Some are similar enough to the symptoms that you connected to with ADHD, but also just different enough not to qualify on an “ADHD” test, specifically. Ultimately, your treatment needs to work for you, and if you have spent years trying SSRIs, etc., for anxiety and haven’t experienced significant improvement, it’s important to consider the whole spectrum of mental health and LD. Best of luck to you! *Hugs*

    Liked by 1 person

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