Mornings and tiny ninjas.

6:30 am.

My phone plays a gentle melody to softly jostle me out of my sleep that only recently has been achieved 20 minutes earlier (due to dog 1 of 3, puking all over our bedroom).

Snooze button activated. Time to mentally prepare myself for the second alarm that will sound in only 30 short minutes. I turn to my left… I turn to my right… I ultimately decide to lay on my back since I can’t get comfortable due to the fact that my body feels the overwhelming need to inflate my nose completely shut, because I’m literally allergic to everything on the planet. EVERYTHING.

Five minutes into my forced slumber I hear the squeaking of a familiar door down the hall. Go back to bed. Go back to bed. For the love of God! Please go back to bed!  I silently plead to no one in particular. This is earlier than normal…

“Mom!!!!!!”

No!!! Why???  I cry to myself while I bury my face in my pillow feeling defeated.

“What is it?” I choke out.

“Can I go downstairs??? My 4 year old asks.

I take a moment to consider this since he’s pretty self sufficient. He knows where the bathroom is. The cereal. The water. The snacks. Maybe I can give him a chance. He’s almost 5.

“Um….”

Wait a minute. What if he finds the knives. He likes playing ninjas. What if he gets all the knives out of the drawers??? Oh. What about the burners on the stove. I hadn’t even thought about that. FIRE! Oh boy. What the heck am I thinking? How tired am I that I’m even considering letting this 4 year old wannabe ninja have access to potential “weapons” simply because I want 20 minutes of extra sleep?? I’m the worst mom that ever lived…

“Buddy. I need you to go back to your room and play for a little while.” I reply, hoping this response is acceptable.

“Ok Mommy.” He says.

Whew. Head back on pillow. I now have about 15 minutes left to try and sleep.

30 seconds later…

“Mom!!!” It’s the sweet sound of my 6 year old daughter.

Really?? C’mon! I quietly cry once again to no one in particular. My daughter takes the couple extra steps toward my bedroom and continues…

“Can I use the iPad? There’s a game I really want download!”

Ugh. I pause for a moment before answering….”Um. Do you know where the iPad is?” She asks.

“It’s downstairs in the kitchen plugged into the charger.” I reply. In the meantime, I’m desperately hoping she takes a moment to look around the entire area. Ninety percent of the time, things that are “missing” are usually found by an adult in 0.2 seconds. An adult who has EYES.

“Ok!” My daughter replies and proceeds to stomp down the stairs and turn every light on along the way.

30 seconds later…

“Mommy! I can’t find the iPad!!” She whines.

Giant dog number one is startled out of his peaceful slumber resulting in Giant dog number two and tiny dog arriving simultaneously to the barking party.

There is no more hope. I stumble out of bed, tripping over the fur children while muttering curse words to myself in the hopes that it will help justify my annoyance.

It doesn’t.

I open bedroom door, as Giant dog duo carelessly knock into the back of my left leg rushing down the stairs in a desperate attempt to pummel the back door which must lead to some type of “Dog Narnia” that humans are incapable of comprehending.

I slowly make my way to the coffee pot. Why can’t the coffee make itself?? I wonder.

As I look out the window and cringe at the amount of mud I’m about to have to clean up after the dogs return to the house as a result of the rain we rarely get, I hear screams. It is so loud and muffled by crying, that I can’t tell which child it is. I close my eyes and take a deep breath…

“What’s going on?!” I yell to my little angels.

“He hurt me sooooo bad!!!!” My daughter yells.

“I had it first!!” My son cuts in.

I’m about to respond, but am distracted. Apparently, all three of our furry canine companions have challenged our direct neighbors pets- in a battle of barking. Loudest, most annoying barks-for the win!! For once in my life, this is a challenge I do NOT want to win.

Our dogs win. #%@%#@$.

Alright. Good FREAKING morning to me.

Whatever my lovely children were fighting about five minutes earlier, has apparently resolved itself.

I lure our 3 spoiled dogs indoors with treats and take a moment to absorb the day for what it is about to be-CHAOS.

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