Costco: the mom’s guide to getting out ALIVE


Costco. In a nutshell, it’s a wonderful place for mothers (or fathers) to load up on necessities in bulk to avoid having to make more frequent trips to the store with little ones in tow. However, it is not a place for amateurs. If you go in there without a plan and have children with you, you are setting yourself up for disaster of epic proportions…

Step 1: Find a parking spot next to a cart corral. If you fail to do this, you will be forced to grab a cart at the entrance where a heavy flow of impatient customers are also hastily trying to grab carts. They don’t have sympathy for your crying toddler who refuses to get in the cart. Address this issue in the parking lot cart collection area that usually houses a few carts from previous customers. Also, very important-retrieve Costco card out of wallet ahead of time, before making it to entrance. Ain’t nobody got time to wait for you to dig through your diaper bag filled with old sippy cups, and hot wheels while you drop 5 things in the process holding up the flow of traffic. They. do. not. care.

Step 2: If you haven’t brought something to entertain your young children, find something, anything- fast. It doesn’t matter what it is. If your little one seems intrigued by a bottle of ibuprofen, throw those puppies in the cart. Just make sure to ditch them before checkout when no one is looking if you don’t plan on buying them…

Step 3: Bring snacks. If you haven’t brought snacks along, then you’ll be forced to navigate around the “Hangry samplers”. Because of this, your children will demand samples from every single sample table you pass. It will be near impossible to retrieve these samples since everyone in a half mile radius also, desperately needs to try them as well. Also, you will need to take into consideration the additional children you have along with you. Getting one sample is one thing, but multiple-ha. Good luck with that.

Step 4: Stay. Away. From. Toys.

Step 5: Pick up some wine. It’s cheap, and you will need it later.

Step 6: Don’t pay any mind to the organic, healthy, single people shoppers who only have mushrooms, kale, and IPA beer in their cart. As far as you are concerned, they are aliens. Don’t worry, when they have children they’ll come over to the dark side. It’s only a matter of time.

Step 7: Anything can be turned into a pillow for sleepy children inside of the cart-a nice towel, a bag of lettuce, a pork butt…

Step 8: Stay. Away. From. Candy.

Step 9: Expect to spend more money than you planned to. Most of the time, you will be ready to pull your hair out towards the end of your shopping trip. At that point in time, you’ll throw random crap in your cart because you’re on the brink of insanity.

Step 10: Get OUT! Pay for stuff. Hope that the person at the door doesn’t draw a smiley face on the back of your receipt and then hand it to one of your children. Why? Because it will start World War 3. “WHY DIDN’T I GET A SMILEY FACE???!”

Step 11: Place children and groceries in car. Drive home. Thank God you don’t have to do that again for at least another week or two…Next time try to go alone.



2 thoughts on “Costco: the mom’s guide to getting out ALIVE

  1. Hilarious! I actually love Costco because I don’t have to provide my own snacks and my toddler likes looking upupup at the high ceilings and yes the wine is CHEAP. And I like to play a game where I walk in without showing my card and I’m on quite a streak BUT I only have one toddler and a teen that helps with the toddler and I know I’m lucky.
    But still–hilarious! Thanks for being on the internet and stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

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