Today I ran away

Let me start by saying,

I’m not exactly sure where I’m going with this blog. When I started a month or two ago, I planned on this being a “mom/fitness” blog. So far, my posts have been about several different things (things I felt inspired to write about), forcing me to re-think in the direction I want this to go. I am mom. A lot of my inspiration will be from my kids, but I am not just a mom. For now, I’m going to keep writing about whatever I feel inspired to write about. Thank you to my followers that bare with me while I give this blog a chance to marinate and evolve.

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Few people in my life know that I struggle with anxiety, probably because I’m an expert at hiding it. I’ve dealt with it since I was a young teenager. It seems to come in waves. Some days, even weeks, I’ll be fine. Unfortunately, most of the time I’m struggling. Fear and anxiety have held me back from so many things I’ve wanted to do in my life. The dread of a possible attack is suffocating, resulting in me never wanting to move forward with a lot of things. I don’t want to elaborate any further, so I’ll leave it at that.

Those of you that read my first blog post Baby steps… know that I’ve discovered that this year (being a little older), losing weight isn’t as easy as it used to be. I promised myself at the beginning of the year, to get back to my previous fitness level and weight. I was reflecting on this last night, and decided I would give it my all at the gym in the morning.

I woke up this morning with the same familiar dread. I knew that if I didn’t do something to distract myself, that today would be really difficult. I dropped my daughter off at school and headed straight to the gym. The phrase “Workout in the morning before your brain figures out what you’re doing,” seemed fitting this morning.

everywhere-i-went-i-was-running

I arrived at the gym and went straight for the treadmill. I started running. Then…Something strange happened. My usual “hurry up and get it over with” mentality faded away. Suddenly I felt invigorated. Being uncomfortable felt…good. I enjoyed this type of pain. I didn’t feel anxious. I wasn’t worried about anything. I just kept going. All of my emotions came flooding to the surface at once. I felt alive. I channelled all my negative energy into this run. I didn’t look to see how far I had gone. I didn’t look at the time. I didn’t care how many steps I had taken (which is unusual since I’m a fitbit addict). I didn’t care. Everything melted away. For a moment-I was free. I ran until my legs were about to give out. This was my therapy that I desperately needed.

Today I ran away. I ran away from my worries. I ran away from my anxiety. I ran away from my insecurities. Today, I won.

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